NOTICING THE SIGNS…

If you are like me, crocheting can turn into a stressful activity and make you get stuck in your head, drifting away from the present moment and out of your body – this can lead to dissociating where you shut down your body and emotions, feel numb, lose track of time and neglect doing other things during the day because crocheting takes up everything.

Dissociating can be good in smaller doses and it is something most people recognise – have you ever read a book and drifted totally away from your life and into this story? But if it happens too much or all the time it can lead to feeling disconnected and losing touch with yourself and even forgetting to breathe.

For me not being present when crocheting looks like this:

– Thinking about how the item is gonna look
– Forgetting to breathe
– Fixating on visualizing putting on the item/ weaving in the last end/making the last stitch
– Thinking about where to take photos, what to wear with the item
– Crocheting way too fast to reach the goal quicker
– Worrying about wheter or not the item will look good/fit
– Neglecting other areas like eating, drinking, bathroom breaks, socializing or even personal hygiene.

It’s not that it’s bad to sometimes think or act in this way. Visualizing and having a goal is also important, but when it takes over it can turn crocheting into something toxic and even an addiction.

But often this overwhelms me with all the things that needs to be done to get the item done, I’ll become too fixated on finishing the project rather than being present, being in the Now – and therefore be mindful about the process.

IT’S NOT ENOUGH, SO I RUSH.

My problem is that I get a feeling of urgency, I feel that was is here now is not enough, I think that it will be better once I’m done with the project. And I feel this lingering feeling of not having enough hours in the day, I am behing and time is running out for me, so I rush.

Then today while sitting with my crochet and thinking these thoughts I looked over at my herb table where I have planted seeds in soil. No sprouts are visible. I started to think, that I can focus on watering the soil and giving it enough sunlight – focus on the need of the seeds day by day, or I could get fixated on the future — when the herb table is filled with green herbs. Then I thought, but then you’ll pick the herbs – and then there will be no more herbs left, the soil will be empty again – no seeds and no sprouts and I’ll have to sow again and it all starts over. And I could see how this related to my crocheting and addiction to it and to always being one step ahead, not really enjoying the Now.

UNDERSTANDING THE CAUSE

Being constantly in the future prevents me from living. It tells me that something better is just around the corner. The same phenomenon happens when I go into a PTSD flashback, just the other way around; I feel that danger is lurking around every corner and I can’t be present.

I like to notice why I’m having difficulty being present. Writing this now is an attempt to do just that – be present about why I can’t be present today. Notice what I feel and why I might feel that way.

Often it stems from feeling of mistrust and uncertainty about me and my life, so drifting off into the future becomes an escape into “something better”, where the tasks are done, the kitchen is clean, my hair is washed, my bank account has more money etc.

CAN BE A TRAUMA SYMPTOM

Escaping into the future can be a life saver if you have experienced trauma, this is what saves you, if something bad is happening to you and the pain of being in the moment is worth than dying. Then it’s a relief to drift away in your mind, to avoid experiencing the pain in the present.

Mindfulness and being present can’t be forced. You can’t do anything to become mindful, it’s actually more about not doing.

If you’re doing a lot, racing through your projects, thinking ahead all the time, rushing around and trying to reach the finish line, you’ll continue to race. Because it’s not about the things and the race, it’s because of something happening right now that you are fleeing from. But know, that it’s okay to flee, understanding the “why” is so crucial in both being aware of what is happening and being able to change it.

When I can’t see a clear cause to my stress I notice that it’s just because that’s what my brain has been taught – even though there is no danger in the present. I have been used to driving on a road of fear and stress and it’s what it has known most. I need to create another road aswell, a road of more peace and being, so I have a contrast to the old road.

LEARNING TO TAKE MY TIME
Sometimes I just need to put the work away to do (or not do) something else completely. Brew some tea, watch a comedy series, go for a walk, breathe. I think it is also about appreciating what is here and now – even if what is here and now is an unfinished project. Think about maybe sharing your unfinished project and romanticizing the process more than the product.

Today I’m practising to tell myself “There is nothing to do”. Everything that is happening or that “needs to get done” will get done in its own, I can’t force it – well I can, but I won’t like it. I’m enough and I’ve done enough.

And sometimes it’s my fear talking, it’s the fear of not earning enough money to provide for myself, the fear of being forced to do a regular job that will slowly kill me, the fear of being trapped in an enviornement that is not good for me.
I sometimes think, that if I can just do and do at 200 km/h, then I can relax for a few days.

No! I can relax and still earn money. Just as the days I’ve been the most productive I don’t sell a single product. And yes it’s uncertain and I don’t know how the future will look, and that’s okay. I can take my time, I have time, I don’t need to rush, I’m enough. I’m really enough.

THE BEGINNING OF MY SELF-EMPLOYMENT JOURNEY

Let’s rewind to October 2018. I had been studying to become a social and health care assistant for 2 months and had tried to balance a normal life as a student while dealing with PTSD – meaning being in constant high alert.

I was exhausted all the time from never being able to relax. One day felt like a week and I knew that if I had to continue studying I would also have to do intern work full time for 1,5 years and I just realised that I couldn’t take 3,5 years of that.

MY PTSD-SYMPTOMS

Being in constant high alert for me meant having a racing heart, being hypervigilant – always being aware of my surroundings, being hyper sensitive to other people’s actions, words, facial expressions, tone of voice and body language, sweating and blushing if someone just approached me, feeling a sense of doom around every corner – that something would give me a huge shock which would send me over the edge. It felt like having a gun pointed to my head all the time, not being able to breathe freely or relax, feeling in constant danger.

At the same time I had flashbacks every day. Often a teacher would forget about me and I was sent right back into childhood and felt so shameful, that the whole world hated me and I was unlovable which made me feel more unsafe.

At the same time it was like I had another life on the side (crocheting and selling crochet tops), that was more interesting, fun and filled with freedom – but a life that I thought to myself would always be an illusion, something unattainable and unimaginable for me.

TRYING TO FIT IN

I thought that I would have to live a normal life – work a full time job somewhere so I could provide for my children, go traveling, buy a house etc. Then I realised I actually didn’t want children, that I was happy about living in my tiny apartment and not owning my own place and didn’t feel a need to go traveling.

I just wanted to feel safe and I was happy by the thought of just earning enough to get by and feel relaxed. But it felt like my small expectations of freedom and relaxation were still not possible.

Even working 10-15 hours a week would still mean I had to be in constant stress to earn money to pay my bills. Just the thought of earning money was so stressful to me.

BEING GASLIGHTED BY THE SYSTEM

During the next 10 months – from October 2018 to August 2019 I was unemployed.

I was broken down, but I still had to fight the battle alone – the battle of authorities not taking my mental health serious and just wanting to get me through the system as fast as possible – into any job (even if that would mean I would then break down again and get back into the system again). It felt like screaming into an empty corridor only hearing my own voice echo back. No response, no empathy, no belief in me.

I had heard of so many people experiencing the exact same thing as me. If you didn’t look depressed, anxious or suicidal then you were not.

Imagine how traumatic this is when you have been dealing with being gaslighted your whole life and then the authorities that were suppossed to help you just continue the gaslighting.

BEING IN THE SYSTEM WORSENED MY PTSD

In the end just stepping into the job center to have my weekly meeting with a social worker I would sit with the hands over my head and my thumbs pressed into my ears to block out any sound or light.

I learned to be completely inside myself, because I knew that no matter how much I tried no one believed my symptoms were serious and that I needed their help. I had to change to become a person without PTSD, instead of them helping me find a place to work where my PTSD wouldn’t get so triggered.

I couldn’t imagine a life in freedom but I also couldn’t imagine a life in panic.

I WOULD RATHER BE POOR, IF IN RETURN I CAN BE FREE

So what drove me into self-employment?

It was the unbearable thought of living a life in fear and stress, controlled by authorities who didn’t care about my well-being. I would much rather not be able to pay my bills or not get food on the table, and then at least have my freedom, be my own authority.

I had to actually think: “what is the worst thing that could happen?” . The answer: “homelessness and starving”. And that sounded more appealing to me than being in a state of panic and hypervigilance.

The physical stuff didn’t scare me as much as everything I had already experienced.

Quitting welfare and going full time as a crochet designer was one of the easiest things I had done in my life, because everything else seemed even more impossible.

Choosing a life of self-employment and freedom was uncertain and something I had never done before – so at least I had to try it to see if it was possible, because I knew that a life in fear and stress would eventually kill me.

I had no other option left, there was no way back.

GETTING OUT OF THE SYSTEM FOR THE LAST TIME

In my last phone call with my social worker I laughed ironically while I told him “I might just move into a tent and create my own job” (though I didn’t actually mean or believe it).

So I quit welfare the 1st of August 2019 and somehow I knew that this would be the last time I would be in the system.

I was relieved but afraid because I didn’t believe that I would be able to earn enough money from crochet to make a living off it.

I had lived with as little as possible the past months so I had a little bit of money saved up that I could live off and I still had my part time job as a blind assistant but I usually only worked 2-5 hours a month. Though having a safety net helped the fear a lot.

ADJUSTING TO A LIFE OF FREEDOM

The first many months in freedom I still woke up every morning in panic (as I had done every day for the past many years) because I thought I had to be somewhere where I would be in constant high alert and fighting to be understood. I still couldn’t understand I was free of it.

All that time (in the system, in jobs, in school, in relationships) where I had worsened my PTSD and given me another layer of trauma to deal with.

I was finally free and there was a a great deal of relaxation but my brain and body was still reacting like I was a captive in my own life.

LIVING CHEAPLY

I started dumpster diving for food and I cut down all my expenses – no wifi, no streaming services, no money for any kind of unnecessary things. I only spent money on food and bills.

Six months went by and I had earned about 1/4 less than over the Summer, which meant if I put it all together I would have enough to pay my bills and food for maybe 1 month. So I was getting a little frightened and it was winter so not a lot of demand on Summer clothes either.

LEARNING TO MAKE & SELL PATTERNS

Gradually I started getting demands on the patterns for my designs so I started looking up crochet patterns online to see how the layout was and how they were written. And I tried to freestyle my way through it. I thought to myself: “How would I want to read a pattern?”. So basically I wrote a pattern for myself that I would then create a listing for on Etsy.

I upgraded my website subscription so I could start selling phsyical and digital items there as well. Suddenly I got a holiday pay that was bigger than I had expected and my friend out of the blue gave me money because her holiday pay was a lot bigger than mine.

I started having more and more money on my account and realised I wasn’t using my savings anymore. I suddenly had more more money than I needed to get by.

As the patterns started to sell more and more and my website got more and more visitors I started to feel that this might actually be possible. In August 2020 I officially became a registrered business – I had applied the year before but I closed it again immediately because I didn’t believe it would work out.

TODAY

The past 10 monts I have earned more than any other job I have ever had.

It’s hard to understand and I pinch myself everyday.
I don’t wake up with a panic attack (unless I have had bad night). I feel relaxed throughout my day, even though I still struggle with PTSD, anxiety, depression and shame.

I am living the life I couldn’t even imagine – a life of freedom, relaxation, empathy and joy. With time and space for my healing process. Where I can respect my own boundaries, be my own authority, not minimise my symptoms and share what I learned with all of you.

When I look back at just 6 months ago I believe much more in myself and my abilities. I very rarely have the thought that “This won’t work out”, which I had everyday when I first started out.

It’s not just because it’s actually going well (because even though it’s going well I can still have doubts and fear for the future — will it last?), it’s more because I am actually living a life more in harmony with my values, needs and wants.

I am giving myself the life I deserve and seeing how it’s making me more and more comfortable in myself and in my life is giving me a greater sense of trust and belief in myself and the world.

I don’t have the same obsession about the future and wheter or not I will continue to do this kind of work or not. I try and focus on the here-and-now and do the things I enjoy doing on this particular day.
If at some point I want to do other things, like work as a chef, open a café, work therapeutically with other people, be a mentor or musician I have trust.

Because if I could do the unimaginable, I can do anything!

I feel extremely proud of myself and where I have come and so grateful for everyone of you who has been there by my side during this whole process. Those who have bought my digital or physical products, tagged me, sent me photos, reposted/liked/commented/read my posts and written to me and shared your own story.

Thank you for believing in me when I didn’t.

A FINISHING THOUGHT

I don’t believe the saying “believe in your dreams and they will come true”.
Yes, our thoughts have impact but what if we don’t believe? Can we only start living once we start to believe?
The other day in a feeling of hopelessness I was reminded that:

Just because you lose all hope, doesn’t mean that no good will come to you.

What if believing in ourselves comes from the process and experience of listening, being aware and showing ourselves patience and comfort even when we don’t believe?

So if you doubt yourself, don’t feel good enough, don’t feel ready, don’t have a support system, have been hurt too much in the past, fear that it will only go downhill – it’s okay.

Your life doesn’t require you to be fearless.
Your life doesn’t require you to believe, imagine or visualize something for it to become a reality.

Start now – do what makes you happy, enjoy your passion, take your time, go in your own pace.
Wanting something and going after it is enough for it to come true!

And if all else fails, just know:
I believe in you. There is a way, a place for you too.

Being in a rush

Sometimes I notice how I rush to get ‘somewhere’.

I am in a hurry to finish projects, because I falsely believe that my work is not good enough, so I shouldn’t take my time with it – it’s better to get it over with so I can get to the next step where I will do and be better than before.

In that state the present is never enough.

I am too hard on myself, judging myself for not doing it good enough and judging myself for rushing and not taking my time. Because I know that I am good enough, but in that moment I am out of touch with myself and the truth.

I feel behind in life and in my creations. I feel that I am not good enough and therefore I have to catch up with everything I have not yet done. I have to reach every goal I have not yet reached so I can feel good enough in the present moment. But it makes no sense as I am abandoning the present moment.

A to-do list that never ends

It feels like I’m in a race with myself. I am on negative 100 and have to rush mentally just get to zero.

It feels like having a whole list of to-do’s and everytime I cross off something 10 more things appear. And no matter how much I do, create or rush the feeling of inadequacy just becomes worse and worse.

Sometimes I find myself getting annoyed about how many ideas I have in mind because I feel like I’m out of time – that if I had create all of that I wouldn’t sleep, eat or do anything else for the rest of my life. It feels exhausting.

Enjoying the unfinished projects

Then this morning I noticed something. I noticed the dress I have been working on for weeks that I have never felt rushed with, the items that are finished yet I haven’t even woven in the ends – and I don’t care!

I don’t mind having unfinished projects and taking my time when I feel the intention to create arises from me.

I am practising telling myself:
I am enough.
I have enough.
I don’t need to do more to be okay or successful.
I don’t need the things I create.
I have and am enough right now.

Create because I want to not because I need to.
Create for myself not for others.

When my focus is outwards on the world and what I think is expected of me it will never be enough – because there will always be a need out there, there will always be expectations but it’s not my job to please others, do it the “right” way, post the right things at the right time, create the “right” things at the right time.

The need to rush comes from fear.
I get scared that I won’t be able to continue to create for a living, that what I create will not be enough to pay the bills. I always thought the worst part about having a creative job was not creating or having ideas enough but it’s the opposite. The challenge for me is to tell myself that it is enough; that I will still be able to pay my bills even if I create less.

Creating for myself

When I focus on creating for myself I feel body breathe deeper, I feel more settled, more trusting of myself and my path, because I am here now, and there is not anywhere I need to get to.

Everything happens right now, my ability to sense, create, be present, grow, find safety and slow down – nothing every happens in the future, it happens now.

Therefore I can’t rush to get somewhere because there is no “there” there. I am not rushing to get somewhere I am rushing because I falsely thing that it will make me feel less stressed, incapable and inadequate when in reality rushing makes me feel all those things.

So this is a reminder for me (and for you) to do and be right now from the intention that arises right now inside me.

Be with that. Create with that. Slow down with that.

Create for me, live for me.

What kind of work are you doing?

Is this your part time or full time job ?

There is a big difference in what you need and what you want to earn.

If this is your full time job you might both have the time and energy to focus on your job and therefore be able to make more money. But if it’s just a part time job and you don’t depend on it, you can work less (and work when you want to) and therefore you don’t need to earn that much.

If you are in-between and you want to make this your living, my advice is to keep your other job so you know that you can pay your bills – if you are able to go down in hours so you just earn what you need, then you can spend the free time you have on your own business but still be able to take it slow and do it your way.

How much to pay yourself

Example:
Money: You need/are satisfied with 175 euro per week – 700 euro per month.
Time: You want/are able to work 40 hours a week – 160 hours a month.
Your hourly rate: 175/40 = 4,37 euro

How to price your products

Custom made or ready-made products

In my opinion custom made and ready-made items should be priced differently as there is much more work going into custom made products.

Setting a goal

It’s a good idea to have a goal in mind – what is your goal – how much do you want to earn and how much do you want to work? Even though it might seem unrealistic right now it’s good to have an idea about where you want to be so you can move towards that.

Final thoughts

Only you can decide what your time and effort is worth. Only you can decide what your hourly rate looks like and how many hours to work.

If you don’t want to work that much then that’s just perfect, there will always be people out there willing to pay a good price for your work. Remember to pick the customers that value you and your work.

There is no recipe on how to do it right. If you want to sell your items cheaply, then do that!

We are all different and the most important thing we can do is stay true to ourselves and what is important to us.

We can’t help but be inspired by each other (even unconsiously). We can’t help but sometimes coincidentally getting the same idea as someone else, or seeing another creator make a design that we ourselves had in mind.

Mirabel top and necklace by FlurJewellery

There is a big difference in finding inspiration and copying, I think copying is okay when:

1) Recreating non-crochet items
You are recreating a regular design and making it in a crochet version. I’ve done that with a few of my designs – if the design is simple I don’t see anything wrong in making a crochet version of it.

2) Asking permission from the designer
If you have been in contact with the designer and asked if you can recreate their work and they said yes!

3) Mentioning and tagging the designer
If you are not are to ask permission then at least mention or tag the designer or write in the caption: “Design by…” or “Inspired by…”. This way people seeing the design will know who made it.

Mirabel top

THE PROBLEM WITH COPYING (AND NOT GIVING CREDIT)

Imagine there is a creator that has made a unique design. One of their followers recreate this design and post photos of the creation on their social media (wihtout any credit).

The people following this person see this and have no idea where the design originated from. These people might then either repost the photo or recreate the design for themselves, and suddenly the designer is forgotten all because one person didn’t credit.

The same goes if you recreate another’s design and sell the design to a customer. If the creator doesn’t give credit to the designer, the customer of the creator will only give credit to the creator, this way when we are at the 3rd or 4th or 5th link people will have forgotten all about the person who actually designed the item.

The person who is recreating or copying the design is responsible for mentioning the desginer (and also giving this information to their followers/customers so they can give credit too). This is so important to protect the work of the designer, this way people will be able to find their way to the source of the copied design and the desginer gets the credit they deserve.
Yes, you made their design and you did it beautifully – but someone else got the idea, made the drawing, pattern writing, measuring, trial and error and they deserve the credit.

This is also important when you make another creators design from pattern – mention or tag the pattern designer so people will know who the designer is!

Think about big brands like H&M – the only time you really hear about the designer is when celebrities design a collection. The designers working behind the facade you never hear about. Neither do you hear about the factory workers creating the clothes. It’s so important that we all get the credit we deserve.

It makes me so happy when I see someone post a creator’s work and also mention the designer! This is only possible if the creator mentions the designer too, let us make sure that at least the 3rd link from the designer knows who the designer is!

WHAT TO DO IF SOMEONE STEALS YOUR WORK

I’m not gonna say “see it as a compliment! your work is so good, that people are recreating it!”. I hate that, I’m not gonna appreciate someone crossing my boundary. I’ll take is as appreciation when they credit me. Let me just say this: it’s not embarassing to mention that you copied/recreated/were inspired by someone else – we all are! better to say it too much than not enough. We won’t be mad for you tagging us all the time, on the contrary! it’s a win-win – it’s nice to be appreciated and to appreciate others.

1) Leave it
If you don’t care about it, just leave it and focus your energy elsewhere. We can’t avoid copy cats completely.

2) Reach out
You don’t have to be rude or get mad at them (maybe they didn’t intend to copy your work or maybe it’s a coincidence), but a simple: “Were inspired by my design?” or “I just want to let you know that if you we inspired by my design it would be great if you would mention/tag me”.

3) Create more
See it as a motivation to just create more designs – maybe create something SO unique and special that whenever someone copies your work most will know that you’re the designer.

4) Get design protection
It’s expensive in Denmark and needs to be done with every design, but if you want the extra protection it can be a good idea. This way no one can make or sell your designs.

5) Ask for support
Reach out to your followers or family/friends or post a story or photo in your feed about your experiences. Many people will relate and want to support you!

6) Copy cats won’t have success
Relying on others work for success, relying on other’s creativity and hard work and not coming up with idea or being creative yourself? So sad!
The worst is the people who try to get appreciated for making someone else’s work, I find it so selfish and mean, that some people won’t even admit they have copied another’s work, because they’re so desperate to be liked themselves. If you are getting likes and compliments for copying another persons hard work, then that must mean that the designer did a great job – so why not compliment them by giving them credit?

Do you have a dream of becoming self-employed?
Are you unsure of how and where to start?
Then continue reading!

I’ve been self-employed for almost 16 months. I spent years before going full time just spending time practising my skills, posting to Instagram and sketching. But it took me 8-9 months from when I decided to go self-employed to being able to live off my income (kinda).

1. Figure out what you want to do and start doing that every day.

Spend your free time doing what you love and what you’re good at and experiment and grow your skills.

2. Have a savings account or a part time job on the side.

This way you can focus most of your time on your business but still make sure you get money to pay your bills.

3. Research the market you are in.

What are other businesses in your niche doing? What are they’re prices and who are their customers?

4. Use social media.

We’re so lucky we have social media to spread our message across continents. Use hashtag to describe what kind of work you do, follow and interact with other in the same field as yours and post consistently.

5. Define your brand.

Find out why you are doing this and what your niche is – what is your talent? How can you help your customers? What makes you stand out from other people in the field? How are you working – what’s your inspiration, what kind of work do you like to do in that field?

6. Work with other people.

Find other people in the same field as you or someone who you feel you can work with to help each other get more customers or just get your name out there.

7. Hang up flyers at your local library or reach out to a local newspaper.

You can try and get your name out there in your town or local area.

8. Continue to do what you love.

Even though you are not making any money it will happen for you eventually. It doesn’t mean that you have to break yourself and work 70 hours a week to reach that goal. It takes time and hard work but remember to stay true to your work and take breaks as well so you don’t wear yourself out.

Ideas on how to earn money on your talent:

For instance if your field is in playing an instrument, here are some ideas on how to make money:

– play gigs
– start a youtube channel
– post music to spotify
– play in the street (if it’s legal where you live!)
– play at weddings and other parties (try to reach out to your friends and family first if that’s easier)
– teach music (online or in person)
– write an e-book about music
– start a blog where you share your knowledge on music or review other’s music
– sell your music as royalty free music

BEING MY OWN BOSS

Since I was a child I’ve dreamed of becoming my own boss! It seemed like something that would never happen, I believed I was not strong enough to do that but the longing kept growing inside me.

Back then I wanted to become a psychotherapist or a masseuse, but instead I’ve been taken down a different road – I never could’ve imagined that this was what I would be doing – I didn’t even know you could make money from crochet patterns!

There are so many things that drew me to a self-employed job but most importantly it was being the one in charge – that I am in control of my own time and no one else can decide for me.

I’m very uncomfortable with authorities and with someone having control over me and my life (like my parents did), therefore being in charge gives me a big sense of freedom and I still have to pinch myself everyday.

I’m doing it, I’m there!! I’m where I’ve always wanted to be.

BEING CREATIVE FOR A LIVING

Another big reward of being self-employed the way I am is that I get to make money from being creative! Something I also never thought would be possible for me.

But that is also the challenge. If I was running a non-creative business it would be more like having a list of things I could do, I could even shut off my brain for a bit and just let my hands do the work. The job would be the same way everytime, I would know exactly in what order and how to get the job done – there would only be one way to do it, and I wouldn’t have to rely on my creativity.

THE PROS AND CONS OF A CREATIVE JOB

Being self-employed gives me an immense sense of freedom and the opportunity to switch between different kinds of creative work –
writing (posts, listings, patterns), photography, editing videos, designing, sketching and crocheting.

Not everything will earn me any money – most of what I do on my website (apart from the shop) is something I don’t earn money on!

Unfortunatly relying on my creativity for earning money can be tricky. When I am creatively stuck, not motivated or not feeling the need to create, I can start to panic.

JUDGING MYSELF

These are some of the thoughts I get when I feel mistrust in my creative process:

You’ll never feel like creating again.
You should just give up now.
Find a regular job!
What are you doing!? You can’t do this.
Why did you choose to do this? You suck at it
People are maybe not complaining about you right now, but just wait – they will because they are thinking your work is bad and stupid
Look at x, x and x, maybe try do what they’re doing instead (even if it’s not your style), they have more success than you
Be what people expect you to be, don’t be yourself.
You can’t do anything, look at all your stupid and ugly projects
You should really start making other designs than what you’ve made until now
It’s not good enough.
I know you like to make very simple and neutral designs, but it’s so boring, maybe use some bold colors and do more “crochet style” designs then you might have some success!
What you’re doing now is not working.
Do you really think people will support your work? your work is not special or unique.
Do you even like doing this!? you don’t! and you probably never will again.

We can all get thoughts like these, and it doesn’t help to try and undo them or force yourself to think differently.

It’s NORMAL to judge ourselves. We all do in one way or another – some people don’t even realise how hard they are on themselves (I didn’t in the past), these thoughts were just a part of me.

But recognising the thoughts, actually realising that they’re there helps me to separate them from myself. These are my parents words that I have internalised – I know it’s not the truth but it can feel very true in the moment – I’m not perfect, and it’s okay to judge yourself.

I’m not going to start judging myself for judging myself!

ALLOWING THE MISTRUST

I know that these thoughts are fear and mistrust speaking. I’m judging myself because I feel unsafe and mistrusting of my life and myself. I try and teach myself to let go and trust that I don’t have any trust. That it’s ok not to have trust or acceptance right now – it’s still gonna be okay. I can live and still be unsure of myself, I don’t need to strive to feel good about myself, because I don’t right now.

Even if I don’t make any designs or crochet anything for a while – I will still be okay.

“MAKING IT” IS NOT ABOUT MAKING MONEY

The good thing – and what I’m realising day by day – is that making it is not about making money.

It’s more about strenghtening the community I have created. It’s about me being here. And I love being here everyday!

Creating means that I need some sort of motivation (and not to be too judging towards myself and my work) but being here has no requirements.

I can be here and be exactly who I am – both mistrusting, depressed and fearful and joyful, creative and excited.

I like sharing both my creations, other’s creations, posting from my everyday life or thoughts about healing – I like that on these platforms there is no right way to be or do.

I think that is what benefits both me, the community and my business the most – the consistency – not in how much or little I create but my consistency in just being here, just being me.

And no that doesn’t make me any money, but it’s worth much more!

My creativity might not be reliable. But I am. I’m gonna keep being here – and even if I create less or not at all in some periods, I’m still here and I’m still going to share what’s on my mind and heart in whatever way, form or shape I feel like it. And that’s what keeps me going and will spark my motivation and creativity again.

Allowing to be and do and share/not share what I feel like right now, creates a sense of trust and safety and it expands so I start to trust the process again and ultimately I think that is what will make my business survive in the long run.

WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU’RE CREATIVELY STUCK

I’ve written a list – both for myself and for you to use – that I will look at every time I feel demotivated or not feeling like creating:

– update your website/patterns/listings/profile bio/picture

– take photos/make videos

-reach out to fellow creators (make a poll/quiz/ask questions)

– share other’s work!!!

– unravel old projects (it’s like free yarn!)

– visit your local yarn shop (avoid rush hour) and look and feel different yarns (and buy some!)

– go for a walk – look around and up, notice colors and shapes (look at what people are wearing)

– drink water, nap, buy a plant, cry, punch a pillow, turn up the music

– allow yourself to do less than regular (leave the dishes and laundry, wear pj’s all day, eat chips instead of dinner – chips can be a meal too _justnanna reminded me of this!!)

– what if you were not a creative? what would you be doing instead?

– breathe <3 and remember we can’t constantly be “on”, sometimes we need to turn “off”, recharge or do something completely different!

Who determines your success?

I was asked back in August by @ihaveitchyhands what my thoughts on success was, and since that day the topic has been on my mind multiple times.

First, my instant thought was that success (in crocheting) is that someone pays for my designs. That success must be equivalent to money. The more money – the more success, right?

But then I thought, well that’s not my opinion on success – that’s what I was taught by the society I grew up in. That if I don’t make money on my crochet – or am able to be self-employed then I won’t be successful with my creativity.
Well, maybe if I had a huge impact on helping people or ociety on a larger scale.

If the world around us determines when we are successful, will we ever feel successful?

Will it ever be enough? Will we ever settle in just feeling successful right now or will we strive for more success?

Failing instead of succeeding

Back in I August bought a cargo bike because I have a dream of being able to sell my food one day. Today the anxiety hit me, when I – as I do most days – looked out into the parking lot where the bike is chained to a metal pole. I started thinking of all the things missing before I can sell food from it. Or the fact that I’m not even mentally ready to go out into the street and start selling food.

I felt the anxiety of not succeeding, but instead failing with something.

The goal I set for myself is a goal I’ve had for 12 years or more. How can I expect to fullfil that in a couple of months?
And won’t I be OK if I don’t reach that goal – if something else comes along? and who know if my goal changes?…

Wanting to create a success in the future

Because I’ve had trouble sleeping the past week, I tried something new the past two days.

Instead of setting the goal “to go to sleep”, I said to myself:
“OK, you don’t have to sleep right now. You just have to focus on doing something to relax yourself”

It’s a big leap of faith to just trust the Now, because immediatly a voice comes into my head saying: “But what if you still don’t sleep?”

My inner critic starts to talk when I challenge it.. and I had to challenge it back “So what? at least I will be relaxing and feeling good right now, better to relax than not to relax”

And my sleep improved alot!

So I thought I could transfer the same technique to other places in my life – like the food bike. Maybe I can adjust my goal so I will feel success right now.

The smallest steps creates the biggest success

What if my goal instead of “I want to sell street food” (big goal) was: “To fix up my cargo bike” (small goal).

Hearing those words suddenly made me breathe easier. Because I’m already doing that – whenever I feel like it.

So my conclusion is that success doesn’t have to be a goal far in the future; something that makes us anxious because we notice that we’re still not there yet, something that makes us feel inadequate because we haven’t succeeded in that goal.

What if success can be to comfort ourselves right now in the anticipation anxiety of something we need to handle in the near future?

Or what if success can be to make the first few stitches on a new project that you’ve had in mind for a long time?

The small steps are the biggest steps we can take, because they can make us feel successful right here. That we are enough now.

Success we might have in the future shouldn’t limit us to not experiencing success now!

Low self-esteem can affect all of us – whether or not we’ve sold none or hundreds of products.

It can hit us when we’re doubting our creations and whether or not we (and our work) is good enough.

I struggle with low self-esteem most of the time, both when creating a handmade piece, taking and posting photos, selling items and making patterns. But it’s getting better day by day. I often doubt whether or not I’m doing it “right” and “to the standard”.

When I dig deeper it’s actually not the fear of having flaws but the fear of someone getting mad at me for not doing my job perfect – or just doing it better. I was used to having a mother who would yell and scream over the tinyiest things, and I was always blamed for something that I hadn’t even done.

Linking my fears and insecurities to the way I was treated as a child helps me to understand what and why I fear and how I can help myself.

_____________________

We have one of the most freeing jobs out there, where we can work when and how we want – there are no rules in crafting. There are no standards that determine what is “good enough”. We determine that ourselves.

If we can be proud about our work even though it has flaws, we’ve taken a big step.

Here are 10 reminders for you if you ever feel not good enough:

1. It’s not black and white. It’s possible to both be a business owner and have insecurities.
   
2. You’re a human. Your business might be a business but you’re also a human being – not a robot.
   
3. Customers don’t pay you to be perfect, they pay for something handmade and unique.
   
4. Others don’t see what you see. The flaws that can seem like is the only thing you can see, might be invisible to others.
   
5. You’re not alone. You can be pretty sure that every other crafter is also feeling insecure about themselves and their crafting.
   
6. It is not bad or wrong to have insecurities. We learn to treat ourselves how we were treated as children, so if we want to change that we can start by noticing when and how we were critiqued as children and noticing when we start critiquing ourselves now.
   
7. “And so what?”. Whatever your worry is, ask yourself: “And so what?”. Usually we build up our fear to being catastrophical, that the crafting community will banish us, that we will never get any customers again, that people will get angry at us for not doing it good enough. But really we are magnifying our fear to try and protect ourselves from what we fear the most.
   
8. Be kind to yourself. Imagine that you are a 5 year old child that is making something – that child only needs encouragement – not someone (us) telling them that they are not good enough and that they should do better next time.
   
9. If you really do want to be better at your craft, this doesn’t happen with force. But by being in the present, respecting ourselves, taking all the time we need, exploring without judging. resting, complimenting ourselves.
   
10. Talk to others. Crafters, friends, business owners, customers – be open about your insecurities and you will notice that other people either don’t care about the things we worry about or they can recognise the same fears that you have. It’s a relief to be open about our insecurities and it’s inspiring to others too.
    
    

Have you ever felt low self-esteem about your work/yourself? And what is your best tip to dealing with it?

Leave a comment below!